>> PREVIOUSLY ON "NIP/TUCK."
>> MRS. CALDARELLO, WE'VE HAD
TREMENDOUS SUCCESS IN LIP
RECONSTRUCTION USING THE
PATIENT'S LABIAL FOLDS.
>> WHAT ABOUT WHEN
MY HUSBAND KISSES ME? IF HE
FINDS OUT, HE'LL NEVER KISS ME
AGAIN.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE SECRET JOY OF
KNOWING THAT IT'S THE FIRST TIME
THOSE LIPS WILL HAVE EVER BEEN
KISSED?
>> DO IT. PUT MY PUSSY ON MY
LIPS.
>> IF I MAY ASK, THEODORA.
>> CALL ME TEDDY.
>> WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE INTERVIEWING ME?
>> I AM.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU FIND
INTERESTING?
>> THE TUMOR HAS SPREAD TO THE
SUPRACLAVICULAR LYMPH NODES.
>> GIVE ME A BALLPARK.
>> 6 MONTHS.
[BEEPING]
>> I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.
>> HOW DOES IT LOOK? ANY MOTHS?
>> GIVE ME A MINUTE.
JUST TO TRY IT ON.
>> EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, BIZZY?
IT'S BEEN IN STORAGE SINCE THE
DAY YOUR FATHER AND I GOT
MARRIED.
>> NO, IT'S FINE. I JUST NEED
A LITTLE PRIVACY. PLEASE.
>> OH. SURE.
BIZZY. THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL HER,
HUH?
>> SINCE SHE WAS 2 YEARS OLD,
SHE WAS ALWAYS GETTING INTO
THINGS. REARRANGING HER ROOM,
SORTING OUT THE SILVERWARE.
VERY INDUSTRIOUS LITTLE GIRL.
I ENCOURAGED HER. I TOLD HER,
YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT, WORK
HARD, YOU'RE GONNA GET WHATEVER
YOU WANT IN LIFE.
BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT. SHE WAS
NOT GOING TO GET ANYWHERE ON
HER LOOKS.
>> COULD I GET YOU A DRINK,
MARIELA? SODA, WATER?
>> PLEASE. AND CALL ME "MAMA".
>> OH.
>> PATRON DOBLE. BECAUSE WE ARE
CELEBRATING, AREN'T WE?
MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING MARRIED.
AND TO A MAN OF ALL THINGS.
>> YEAH, WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.
>> PRETTY CLOSE.
>> HA...
>> SO WHY ARE YOU MARRYING
MY DAUGHTER?
>> UM...THE SEX.
>> HA HA HA!
THE LAST TIME I VISITED, SHE WAS
A FLANNEL-SHIRT WEARING
LESBIANA WHO WAS HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING A DATE.
WHAT IS THE REAL STORY HERE?
>> THE REAL STORY IS I SHOULD
BE TOASTING YOU FOR GIVING ME
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
TO FAMILY.
>> SO YOU'RE GAY? THIS IS AN
ARRANGEMENT BETWEEN YOU TYPES?
YOU GET INSURANCE NOW OR
SOMETHING. HMM?
>> CHRISTIAN. CAN YOU COME IN
HERE, PLEASE?
>> YEAH.
>> CAN YOU PLEASE--COULD YOU
HELP ZIP THIS FOR ME?
>> AH...
[LIZ GRUNTING]
>> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET
THIS OUT A LITTLE.
>> OH, NO, I CAN'T. THIS IS AN
ANTIQUE. IT'S AN "AS IS" KIND OF
THING.
>> WELL, THIS IS NOT GONNA WORK.
SO, UH, WHY DON'T WE JUST BUY
YOU ANOTHER DRESS AND WE CAN
START IT ON TRADITION?
>> OH-OH. NO. YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. EVER SINCE I COULD
REMEMBER, MY MOM HAS WANTED ME
TO WEAR THIS DRESS IN MY
WEDDING. AND THEN I CAME OUT
TO HER, AND NEITHER OF US
THOUGHT THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN.
A TRADITIONAL WEDDING?
IN A CHURCH?
IN MY MOM'S DRESS?
THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME NOW.
>> ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT THIS
IS ABOUT?
>> BIZZY. YOU KNOW VERY WELL IT
IS BAD LUCK FOR THE GROOM TO SEE
YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT BEFORE
THE WEDDING.
>> MA! THE DRESS DOESN'T FIT!
>> AY, MIRA. IT'S THOSE TATAS
OF YOURS. YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
TOP-HEAVY.
>> LADIES, I THINK WE'RE GOING
GOWN SHOPPING.
>> NO. IF I CAN'T TOUCH THE
DRESS, THEN I'M GONNA SHRINK
MY CHEST. I WANTED IT BEFORE,
NOW I HAVE TO.
BOOK ME FOR A BREAST REDUCTION.
>> * MAKE ME
BEAUTIFUL
MAKE ME
A PERFECT SOUL
A PERFECT MIND
A PERFECT FACE
A PERFECT
LIE *
>> WELL, THIS IS QUITE
A SURPRISE.
>> IT CERTAINLY IS.
TELL US WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF NOW,
MRS. CALDARELLO.
>> HER TITS, HER ASS, THAT
TURKEY WADDLE UNDER HER CHIN,
AND MAYBE YOU COULD LIGHTEN THE
LUGGAGE UNDER HER EYES.
>> I GUESS THE ONLY THING YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO ARE MY LIPS.
>> OH, NOT THOSE BEAUTIES.
YOU DID SUCH A BANG-UP JOB ON
THEM, DOCTORS. THAT'S WHY WE
FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE.
>> WELL...THAT'S VERY
FLATTERING, MRS. CALDARELLO.
YOU NEVER STRUCK ME AS THE
MAKEOVER TYPE. WE COULD BARELY
TALK YOU INTO REPAIRING THE
DAMAGE FROM YOUR OVEN, I BELIEVE
IT WAS?
>> IT'S NICE WORK IF I DO SAY
MYSELF. I MEAN, YOU COULD NEVER
TELL THAT THE SKIN CAME FROM
YOUR--
>> BREASTS. NO. NEVER.
>> ORDINARILY IT WOULD BE FINE
FOR ALLEGRA HERE TO LET GRAVITY
TAKE ITS COURSE, BUT SHE'S GOTTA
GO BACK IN THE MARKET.
I'VE GOT PROSTATE CANCER.
THE DOCTORS AREN'T OPTIMISTIC.
OH, BOY. I ALWAYS FIGURED BY THE
TIME I KICKED, SHE'D BE SET,
FINANCIALLY SPEAKING.
>> I'LL BE FINE, MANNY.
I CAN GET A JOB.
>> WITH WHAT SKILLS, HONEY?
WITH A LITTLE LUCK AND A LOT OF
SURGERY, SHE'LL FIND ANOTHER
GUY. SOMEONE WHO CAN CARE FOR
HER IN THE MANNER TO WHICH SHE
SHOULD HAVE BECOME ACCUSTOMED.
OH, THOSE LIPS...
I'M GONNA MISS THEM LIKE
NOBODY'S BUSINESS. OOH. DAMN.
WHERE'S THE HEAD?
ALL I DO IS PISS THESE DAYS
'CAUSE OF THE BIG "C."
[DOOR CLOSES]
>> BY THE WAY, I SAW YOU ON THAT
TV SHOW YOU DID. I WAS QUITE
UPSET ABOUT THAT CHARACTER YOU
BASED ON ME. THE ONE YOU
CALLED--I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.
>> PUSSYLIPS.
>> THAT'S THE ONE.
AND THE PART ABOUT HER FATHER
ABUSING HER?
>> MRS. CALDARELLO--
>> HOW DID YOU KNOW?
>> I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR
HUSBAND. I KNOW HOW DEVOTED YOU
ARE TO EACH OTHER.
>> I CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT
HIM.
>> HEY, SADIE.
>> SADIE?
>> SADIE SADIE, MARRIED LADY.
JUST TRYING TO KEEP THINGS LIGHT
SINCE YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE
I STOLE YOUR JOB, WHEN YOU LOOK
AT ME AT ALL.
>> LET'S HAVE A LITTLE GIRL
TALK, SHALL WE?
THE THING IS, IS THAT I WANNA
SPEND AS MUCH TIME WITH
CHRISTIAN AND WILBER AS I CAN.
BUT IF I STAY HOME 24/7, THEY
ARE GONNA MAKE ME CRAZY.
SO, I THINK WE SHOULD SPLIT
THE JOB.
>> THAT'S GENIUS.
I'M TOTALLY OK WITH THAT.
>> OH, NOW WE CAN BE FRIENDS.
>> HA HA!
>> IT'S SO MUCH EASIER.
>> HA HA! OK, I JUST HAVE TO
ASK.
>> OK. I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOW, I AM...NOW, LET'S SEE.
I DON'T TAKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS,
I HAVE NO HISTORY OF DIABETES,
NO ALLERGIES TO ANY DRUGS,
NO HYPERTENSION. I'M ALL READY
FOR MY SURGERY, MR. DEMILLE.
>> THAT'S HELPFUL. THANK YOU.
UM, BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO
KNOW IS HOW IT WORKS.
BEING ONE WAY AND THEN SUDDENLY
SWITCHING HORSES MID-STREAM.
ISN'T THAT WEIRD? YOU JUST LOOSE
INTEREST IN GIRLS? I'M JUST
CURIOUS.
>> BI-CURIOUS?
>> HA. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE TOO
PERSONAL. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE
TROUBLE KEEPING MY OWN WILDER
SIDE IN CHECK.
HAVING SECRETS IS DIFFICULT,
PAINFUL. DON'T YOU THINK?
>> HOW'S OUR GIRL?
>> HER MILK BOTTLES ARE DOWN
A QUART, BUT ASIDE FROM THAT,
SHE'S DOING FINE.
>> I'D SAY THEY'RE ONLY DOWN
A PINT. DIDN'T SHE ASK FOR
A HIGH "C?"
>> SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO FIT
INTO HER MOTHER'S GODDAMNED UGLY
DRESS, OK? A "D" WILL DO.
DIDN'T THIS ALL START BECAUSE
SHE HAD BACK PAIN? I MEAN, NOW
WE'RE KILLING TWO BIG-TITTED
BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME ON,
HANG AROUND. THIS IS HISTORY
RIGHT HERE.
THIS...MY LAST SURGERY.
NO MORE LIPO ON CHUNKY DIVORCEES
OR RHINOPLASTIES ON SELF-HATING
JEWESSES. I AM FREE, BABY.
I'M TAKING LIZZY AND THE KID TO
ITALY. WE'RE GONNA EAT LIKE
PIGS. I MEAN, WHO CARES IF I GET
FAT, RIGHT? HA HA.
WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT?
LISTEN, I'VE HAD TO ACCEPT THIS
AND YOU WILL, TOO, ALL RIGHT?
WHICH IS WHY, I'M GONNA START
INTERVIEWING REPLACEMENTS.
>> WHO SAYS I WANNA HIRE SOMEONE
NEW?
>> OH, YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP
THIS TRAIN RUNNING ALL ON YOUR
OWN? THIS O.R. IS IN USE 70
HOURS A WEEK. I OWN HALF OF
THAT, WHICH MEANS THAT WHEN
I'M DEAD, THAT MONEY GOES TO
LIZZY AND THE KID. I DON'T WANT
THEM TO MISS OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE
SO DEPRESSED YOU CAN'T GET REAL.
>> THEY'LL BE TAKEN CARE OF.
YOU KNOW THAT. EVEN IF I HAVE TO
PAY THEM OUT OF MY OWN POCKET.
I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE
MORBID TO START INTERVIEWING
PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE STILL
SEEMINGLY HEALTHY.
>> LOOK, SEAN, I'M DOING THE
BEST I CAN TO KEEP IT TOGETHER
ABOUT ALL OF THIS. IT'S NOT EASY
KNOWING THAT YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS
GONNA GO ON WITHOUT YOU.
I JUST WANNA KNOW THAT THE GUY
STANDING OPPOSITE YOU IN THE
SCRUB ROOM EVERY DAY IS THERE
BECAUSE I WANT HIM TO BE.
>> I CAN'T REPLACE YOU,
CHRISTIAN.
>> EVERYBODY'S REPLACEABLE,
SEAN.
EVEN ME.
CAN YOU, UH, CAN YOU CALL ME
WHEN SHE'S COMING OUT?
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LET HIM GO,
SEAN. THAT MAN IS DYING AND NOT
IN A METAPHYSICAL "WE'RE ALL
DYING" KIND OF WAY. HE'S GOING
TO BE A GHOST BEFORE HALLOWEEN.
LIFE IS CHANGING. YOU CAN EITHER
RIDE THE WAVE OR GET SMASHED TO
SMITHEREENS ON THE ROCKS.
>> IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
HE'S MY BROTHER.
>> GRADUATED WITH HONORS FROM
U.C.L.A. AND TRAINED AT CEDARS,
DISTINGUISHED RESIDENCY AT THE
JOSEPH STILL BURN CENTER IN
AUGUSTA, GUEST EDITOR FOR NJM.
CREDENTIALS SPEAK FOR YOU.
>> THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
>> IF I WAS LOOKING TO HIRE
A NOBEL LAUREATE FOR SURGEON.
[CHUCKLES]
SO MY PARTNER AND I HAVE BEEN
TOGETHER FOR OVER 20 YEARS.
WE'VE DONE OVER 6,000 SURGERIES,
I WAS BEST MAN AT HIS WEDDING,
AND WE HAVE A SON TOGETHER.
SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, WE'RE NOT
LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY TO JUST
COME IN AND PLAY DOCTOR.
IT NEEDS TO BE THE RIGHT
PERSONALITY FIT AS WELL.
SOMEBODY WHO'S WILLING TO
EMOTIONALLY INVEST IN THE
PRACTICE AS WELL AS THE
PARTNERSHIP.
>> OH, WELL, THAT'S DEFINITELY
NOT ME. I'M ONLY IN THIS
BUSINESS FOR THE MONEY AND THE
GIRLS.
>> HMM. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED?
>> DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.
>> KIDS?
>> NOT YET. BUT UNDER THE RIGHT
CIRCUMSTANCES...
>> WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATING LIFE?
>> OFTEN, BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE
A 9 OR A 10.
>> EVER HAD TWINS?
>> SISTERS, BUT NOT TWINS.
>> ASS MAN OR TITS?
>> WHY CHOOSE?
>> NEW YORK OR VEGAS?
>> NEW YORK IS VEGAS FOR ANYONE
WITH TASTE.
>> WELL, YOU HAVE TASTE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
>> SO DO YOU, DR. TROY.
THIS ROOM, FOR INSTANCE,
IMPECCABLE DESIGN. THIS CHAIR,
MILO BAUGHMAN. DISTRESSED
CELADON VELVET. THAT COUCH...
THE COLOR, VINTAGE TWEED.
THE WHOLE PALETTE OF THIS ROOM
IS...INSPIRED.
>> I SHOULD GIVE YOU THE NUMBER
OF MY DESIGNER. YOU COULD KISS
HER ASS INSTEAD.
>> HA HA HA!
I'M SORRY. I KNOW I GET A LITTLE
CARRIED AWAY. MY MOTHER WAS IN
THE BUSINESS. I GREW UP AROUND
THIS STUFF.
>> YOU HAVE A PATIENT. FEMALE.
SHE'S COMING FOR A BROW LIFT.
WHAT'S YOUR APPROACH?
>> HOW OLD?
>> EARLY 50's.
>> I'D PUSH FOR AN ENDOSCOPIC
BROW LIFT. PROVIDED YOU USE
A LASER. YOU GET NEARLY THE SAME
RESULTS. PATIENT TELLS HER
FRIENDS ABOUT IT. QUICK
RECOVERY, AND THAT ONLY MEANS
MORE REPEAT BUSINESS.
>> I DON'T WANNA DO THIS.
>> WOULD YOU RATHER I HIRE HIM
FIRST AND THEN YOU FIND OUT
YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?
>> I WON'T LIKE HIM NO MATTER
HOW GOOD HE IS. HE'S NOT YOU.
>> NO, BUT HE'S GOT THE BEST
CREDENTIALS BY FAR. I WOULD
THINK HE COULD BE ABLE TO BREAK
YOU OUT OF YOUR...SHELF FROM
TIME TO TIME, WHICH YOU'RE GONNA
NEED WHEN I'M GONE.
>> DON'T SAY THAT.
>> LET'S GO BACK TO THE WEDDING,
RIGHT? I MEAN, I NEED TIME OFF
FOR THAT FIRST, REMEMBER?
>> WHO PICKED OUT THIS TABLE?
THIS IS TOP OF THE LINE.
DOUBLE-SWIVEL CASTERS, SPLIT
LEG PLATES. BEAUTIFUL LINES,
TOO.
>> SEAN SPENT WEEKS LOOKING FOR
THE RIGHT TABLE. HE HAD TO HAVE
THE BEST ONE.
>> WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.
>> WORK WITH THE BEST, YOU NEVER
GO WRONG.
>> GUESS I HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG
SHOES TO FILL THEN.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, I GUESS I'LL
LET YOU GUYS GET BETTER
ACQUAINTED.
>> SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU ALREADY
PERFORMED A LABIAL TRANSFER
ON THE PATIENT.
>> MM-HMM. ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO.
>> FANTASTIC JOB. NO WONDER SHE
FLEW ALL THE WAY OUT HERE TO
HAVE YOU DO IT AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
>> I JUST HOPE ONE DAY YOU CAN
SAY THE SAME THING TO ME.
>> OK. FIRE IT UP.
>> * YOU'RE NOBODY
TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU
YOU'RE NOBODY
TILL SOMEBODY CARES
YOU MAY BE KING
YOU MAY POSSESS THE WORLD
AND ITS GOLD... *
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> BEAUTIFUL WORK, DOCTOR.
>> OK. LET'S DO SOME LIPO.
>> * ...THE WORLD
STILL IS THE SAME
YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE IT
AS SURE AS THE STARS
SHINE ABOVE
BUT YOU'RE NOBODY
TILL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU *
>> AFTER WORK, DO YOU WANT
TO GET A DRINK?
>> I'D LIKE TO, BUT I'M SCOUTING
LOCATIONS FOR CHRISTIAN'S
BACHELOR PARTY.
>> MIND IF I TAG ALONG?
IT'S ALWAYS BEST TO GET A SECOND
OPINION.
>> SURE.
[BEEPING]
>> SO THIS IS CHRISTIAN'S
FAVORITE PLACE, HUH? NICE.
>> * I HOLD MY HEAD UP
JUST ENOUGH TO SEE THE SKY
AND WHEN WE GO
WE WON'T GO SLOW
WE'LL PUT UP CERTAIN THINGS
WE'LL REDEEM INTO THE DUST
AND INTO AIR
BUT ALL THE CHILDREN KNOW
THAT SOON THIS PAIN
WILL SURELY PASS... *
>> WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
10 TO 15 GIRLS BACK IN THE
"CHAMPAGNE ROOM" FOR THE NIGHT?
THAT'D BE FUN.
>> YEAH. FUN.
YEP..
>> * ...IF YOU'LL BE ONE
THEN EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE
JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD UP
KISS YOUR FEET
THEN TOUCH THE SKY
TOO LATE
TO KEEP THE WORLD
FROM DYING
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
TO SPARE THE LOVE YOU HAVE
AND ONE DAY
WHEN WE'RE READY FOR CRYING
ONE DAY
A LITTLE BIT
WILL BE THERE, LITTLE GIRL *
* TOO LATE *
>> I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?
>> NO, THIS WHOLE THING IS
WRONG.
CHRISTIAN USED TO PULL ME IN
HERE AFTER A DIFFICULT SURGERY
TO BLOW OFF STEAM.
OF COURSE HE GOT THE DANCES
FOR FREE. THIS DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE ANYMORE.
>> IT IS A BACHELOR PARTY.
>> IT'S NOT JUST A BACHELOR
PARTY. I MEAN, HE'S NOT JUST
GETTING MARRIED. HE'S LEAVING.
THE 20 YEARS WORKING TOGETHER.
I SUDDENLY DON'T HAVE A PARTNER
ANYMORE.
>> YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, SEAN.
I KNOW I CAN NEVER REPLACE
CHRISTIAN. BUT IF YOU GIVE ME
A CHANCE, I KNOW WE COULD MAKE
A GOOD TEAM.
>> IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.
>> WELL HEY, NOW THAT YOU
MENTION IT, I REALLY CAN'T SEE
CELEBRATING IN THIS DUMP ANYWAY.
IT'S GROTESQUE.
>> GIRLS AREN'T SO BAD.
>> THE GIRLS ARE TOP SHELF.
BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THE
UPHOLSTERY ON THAT COUCH,
IT'S ALL FRAYED, THERE'S FOOD
STAINS ON THE CARPET. AND I
DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU
CAN SEE IF YOU SHINE A BLACK
LIGHT ON THE CHAIRS IN THE VIP
ROOM. ARE YOU HUNGRY? 'CAUSE I
KNOW A GREAT PLACE TO GRAB
A BITE. IT'S NOT TOO FAR FROM
HERE, AND IT'S REALLY TASTEFULLY
DECORATED.
>> SURE.
>> YOU'RE SUCH A LUCKY DUCKLING,
MIJA, TO HAVE A HANDSOME PRINCE
WITH THE POWER TO TURN YOU
INTO A SWAN.
>> OW. THAT HURTS.
>> THEY'RE GOING TO BE A LITTLE
TENDER, OK? NO FONDLING FOR
A WEEK. DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL
LEARN TO LOVE IT DOGGIE STYLE.
>> CHRISTIAN, MY MOTHER IS
STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.
>> AY, THAT'S MUSIC TO MY EARS.
NOTHING BETWEEN A MAN AND
A WOMAN IS EVER WRONG.
>> THERE WE GO. PERFECT
TEARDROPS.
>> THEY'RE MORE LIKE WATER
BALLOONS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO WHAT WE
DECIDED?
>> LOOK, I TOOK THEM DOWN SO YOU
DON'T NEED BACK SURGERY AS YOU
GET OLDER, PERIOD.
AS FAR AS GETTING RID OF THE TWO
MOST BEAUTIFUL ASSETS YOU
HAVE, I MADE AN EXECUTIVE
DECISION. ONE THAT WE COULD BOTH
BENEFIT FROM.
>> HUH. YOU'RE NOT EVEN MARRIED
YET AND YOU'RE LYING TO HER.
THAT WAS A BAD DECISION
FOR YOU TO MAKE. MY DAUGHTER IS
IN CHARGE OF HER OWN BODY.
>> MOM.
>> YOU'RE IN CHARGE--
>> AH! PLEASE STOP. PLEASE.
CHRISTIAN, I AM IN CHARGE OF
MY OWN BODY.
>> THEN WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR
BODY TO PUT THIS ON INSTEAD OF
THAT MOTH-RIDDEN RELIC?
>> OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GORGEOUS.
SORRY, MOM. OH, MY GOD, IT'S
GORGEOUS.
>> IT'S NOT YOU.
BUT YOU WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
HOW RICH AND GLAMOROUS YOU ARE?
OR DO YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR
SACRED VOWS IN THE SAME BLESSED
TRADITION PASSED ON FROM MOTHER
TO DAUGHTER FOR GENERATIONS?
>> * SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES
WAS SO INVITING... *
>> MA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
>> I'M GONNA PHONE YOUR
GRANDMOTHER AND TELL HER THE
NEWS. DIOS MIO. ME VA A MATAR.
SHE'S GONNA KILL ME. AND WHEN
SHE DOES, ENJOY YOUR WEDDING.
>> MAYBE WILBER'S WIFE COULD--
>> ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL CHANGE
MY WILL.
>> * STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
EXCHANGING GLANCES
WONDERING IN THE NIGHT
WHAT WERE THE CHANCES... *
>> HERE'S THE KEY. DR. TROY
SAID TO MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
>> THANKS.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> * ...BEFORE THE NIGHT
WAS THROUGH
SOMETHING IN YOUR EYES
WAS SO INVITING
SOMETHING IN YOUR SMILE
WAS SO EXCITING
SOMETHING IN MY HEART
TOLD ME I MUST HAVE YOU
STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
TWO LONELY PEOPLE
WE WERE STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
UP TO THE MOMENT
WHEN WE SAID OUR FIRST HELLO
LITTLE DID WE KNOW
LOVE WAS JUST A GLANCE AWAY
A WARM, EMBRACING DANCE AWAY
EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
LOVERS AT FIRST SIGHT
IN LOVE FOREVER
IT TURNED OUT SO RIGHT
FOR STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT *
>> * LOVE WAS JUST
A GLANCE AWAY
A WARM, EMBRACING DANCE AWAY
EVER SINCE THAT NIGHT
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
LOVERS AT FIRST SIGHT
IN LOVE FOREVER
IT TURNED OUT SO RIGHT
FOR STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT
DOOBY DOOBY DOO *
>> I JUST WISH YOU WOULDN'T
HAND OVER YOUR OFFICE TO HIM
SO SOON.
>> I'M NOT GONNA BE USING IT
NOW. AND HE REALLY LOVES
MY DECOR. HA.
>> * DOOBY DOOBY DO... *
>> AH!
JEEZ.
>> THAT WAS AWKWARD, HUH?
>> WELL WHAT THE HELL WERE
YOU DOING?
>> WERE YOU MASTURBATING?
>> PROBABLY LOOKED THAT WAY.
>> LIKE YOU WERE SCREWING AN
INVISIBLE WOMAN ON MY COUCH.
>> IT WAS NO INVISIBLE WOMAN.
>> YOU WERE SCREWING THE COUCH?
>> GENTLEMEN, I'M COMPLETELY
EMBARRASSED. SO LET ME APOLOGIZE
AND EXPLAIN. I STRUGGLE WITH
OBJECTUM SEXUALITY.
>> WHAT'S THAT, COUCH-BANGING
IN ENGLISH?
>> O.S. IS NOT A WIDELY KNOWN
CONDITION. IT'S BARELY
UNDERSTOOD. BUT IT IS REAL.
THOSE OF US WHO IDENTIFY
OURSELVES WITH O.S. ARE FULLY
CAPABLE OF FORMING A STRONG
RELATIONSHIP WITH...PHYSICAL
OBJECTS. IT STEMS FROM A BELIEF
IN ANIMISM.
>> WAIT A SECOND. SO YOU BELIEVE
THAT PHYSICAL OBJECTS CAN BE
SENTIENT BEINGS?
>> LIKE US, THEY HAVE FEELINGS.
THEY CAN COMMUNICATE,
EVEN EXPRESS LOVE.
>> SO ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT
RELATIONSHIPS IN THE INTERVIEW,
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SCREWING
ONE OF THE FLOOR MODELS
AT POTTERY BARN.
>> I DO HAVE NORMAL
RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN.
THEY'RE JUST NOT AS SATISFYING.
THERE'S A LONG HISTORY OF GENDER
ASSIGNMENTS WITH CARS, BOATS,
BUILDINGS--
>> THE DIFFERENCE IS I'VE NEVER
STUCK MY DICK IN A TAILPIPE.
>> I TRY TO FIGHT THE URGE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT
I COULD BE CAPABLE OF FINDING
SOMETHING LIKE A PIECE OF
FURNITURE SO ATTRACTIVE.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
IRRESISTIBLE TO ME ABOUT A
REALLY WELL-BUILT PIECE.
MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN
ATTRACTED TO PERFECTION IN ALL
OF ITS FORMS. AS PLASTIC
SURGEONS YOU CAN RELATE,
CAN'T YOU?
>> GET OUT.
GET OUT!
NEXT TIME I'LL DO A BACKGROUND
CHECK.
>> YEAH.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> YOU'RE VERY GOOD,
DR. McNAMARA, BUT I THINK IT'S
GOING TO TAKE SOMETIME TO GET
USED TO THESE.
>> THEY'LL LOSE SOME VOLUME ONCE
THE SWELLING GOES DOWN.
>> NO. I LIKE THIS SIZE.
IT'S JUST THAT I'M A SHY PERSON.
I'M NOT USED TO BEING SO OUT
THERE.
>> THERE'S MY BABY.
DID I TELL YOU, TITO?
REINCARNATED AS GINA
LOLLOBRIGIDA, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN
ALL HEALED UP YET.
>> HELLO, ALLEGRA.
>> WHAT IS HE DOING HERE, MANNY?
>> OH, HE INSISTED ON BEING HERE
FOR YOUR RECOVERY.
WHAT A GUY, RIGHT?
SORRY, DR. McNAMARA, THIS IS
TITO.
>> OUR BUTCHER FROM COCONUT
GROVE.
>> MY BEST BRISKET.
I KNOW HOW YOU LOVE IT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON
THE X-RAY GUY'S FACE AT THE
AIRPORT.
>> I'M SORRY, MR. CALDARELLO,
BUT WE ONLY ALLOW FAMILY IN
RECOVERY.
>> BUT TITO IS FAMILY. AT LEAST
HE WILL BE AFTER I DIE AND
HE MARRIES ALLEGRA.
>> HIM?
>> YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND A
BETTER CANDIDATE. THAT BUTCHER
SHOP IS A CASH COW.
HE'S A WIDOWER, AND HIS LITTLE
GIRL CONNIE IS PREGNANT WITH
TWINS. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WANT
GRANDBABIES.
>> YOU CAN'T HANDPICK YOUR
WIFE'S SECOND HUSBAND.
>> WE NEVER AGREED TO THIS,
MANNY.
>> I'M JUST HELPING MOVE THE
PROCESS ALONG. I KNOW MY WIFE
BETTER THAN SHE KNOWS HERSELF.
SHE'S ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW SHE
AND TITO CARRY ON.
>> I LIKE HIS GROUND CHUCK,
MANNY.
>> NOT TO BE TOO FORWARD,
ALLEGRA. I'VE BEEN GIVING YOU
AN EXTRA QUARTER POUND OF IT
FOR YEARS NOW, HMM?
>> I'M VERY FLATTERED, TITO,
BUT I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED IF
MANNY HAD WAITED UNTIL MY
TRANSFORMATION WAS COMPLETE
BEFORE INVITING A SUITOR IN
TO SEE ME.
>> I'M DYING, BABE.
EVERY MINUTE COUNTS. IF I'M
GONNA HAVE SOME SAY IN ALL OF
THIS, I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO
WASTE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE HER NEW BREASTS,
TITO? GRADE A PRIME, NO?
>> ALLEGRA NEEDS HER REST.
AND TAKE YOUR MEAT WITH YOU,
PLEASE.
>> WONDERFUL SEEING YOU,
ALLEGRA. I AM AT THE RAMADA INN
IN BURBANK IF YOU WANT TO CALL.
[CHEERING]
>> TO THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> FINALLY.
>> SALUD.
>> OH, MY GOD.
WNBA SEASON TICKETS. OH, TESS.
>> I LOVE YOU, DOLL.
>> THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.
>> AND TELL CHRISTIAN THOSE ARE
JACK NICHOLSON'S LAKERS
SEATS, OK?
>> HA HA!
>> MAYBE THAT'LL CONVINCE HIM
TO GO.
>> MEN DON'T WANT TO SEE TALL
WOMEN WITH MUSCLES SLAMMING
EACH OTHER. QUE ES ESO?
>> I KNOW, MA. THAT'S WHAT YOU
USED TO TELL ME WHEN I USED TO
PLAY FOR ST. MARY'S.
[LAUGHTER]
>> AND DID YOU HAVE MANY DATES
IN HIGH SCHOOL? WITH MEN?
>> ARE THERE ANY NORMAL MEN
IN HIGH SCHOOL?
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
>> THIS ONE'S FROM ME.
IT'S HEAVY. BE CAREFUL.
>> WOW, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE
WHAT'S IN THIS ONE.
>> OPEN IT UP. YOU CAN READ THE
CARD LATER.
[LAUGHTER]
>> IT'S A SET OF ALL CLAD.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN
HOW TO COOK. LIKE A STRAIGHT
WOMAN. NO MORE TAKE-OUT.
AND IT HAS A LIFETIME GUARANTEE.
>> WOW. THANK YOU.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, SWEETIE.
>> WOW, THAT'S GREAT, HUH?
>> YEAH.
>> A LIFETIME.
>> OH, SWEETIE, I DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING. NONE OF US CAN COOK,
RIGHT?
>> IT'S NOT THAT.
YOU'RE ALL JUST SUCH GREAT
FRIENDS.
CHRISTIAN HAS CANCER.
AND WE WON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME
TOGETHER. MAYBE 6 MONTHS TO
A YEAR.
>> OH, SWEETIE.
>> I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
>> NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
A MAN, A DOCTOR WITH HIS LOOKS.
>> WHAT? MARRYING ME?
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
>> OK. OK, MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL
GO.
>> NO, NO, NO. PLEASE, PLEASE.
NO, DON'T.
MY WHOLE LIFE YOU MADE ME FEEL
LIKE SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH
ME. I WASN'T AS PRETTY AS
CHRISTY SHERMAN OR AS FEMININE
AS KELLY PETERSON. I LAUGHED TOO
LOUD, I WAS AWKWARD, I WAS
CLUMSY. YOU CALLED ME YOUR UGLY
DUCKLING. AND I BELIEVED YOU.
>> THAT WAS A JOKE, AND YOU
KNOW IT.
>> DID I? YOU COULD NEVER SEE ME
FOR WHAT I WAS. IT WAS ALWAYS
WHAT I WASN'T. IT DIDN'T MATTER
THAT I WAS FUNNY, THAT I WAS
SMART. THE TRUTH BE TOLD, IF YOU
COULD REPLACE ME WITH CHRISTY
OR KELLY, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE
IT, WOULDN'T YOU HAVE?
>> YOU WEREN'T EXACTLY AN EASY
CHILD, LIZZY.
>> HOW COULD I BE? I WAS
FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE, AND THE
ONLY ONE ON MY SIDE WAS ME.
IF PEOPLE MADE FUN OF ME, WHAT
DID YOU DO? YOU TOLD ME TO LOSE
WEIGHT, STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR.
IS IT ANY WONDER THAT I SPEND
MY LIFE SURGICALLY ALTERING
PEOPLE WHO HATE THEMSELVES
BECAUSE THEY DO NOT MEASURE UP?
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE PEOPLE
IN THIS ROOM, I WOULD HAVE
NO SELF-IMAGE AT ALL.
THESE WOMEN LOVE ME.
AND A FEW OF THEM HAVE EVEN
SHARED MY BED. OH, YES, THAT'S
RIGHT, MOMMY. OH, I'M SO SORRY
IF THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU CONSIDER
NORMAL. BUT MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING
ANYONE. NOT EVEN YOUR OWN
DAUGHTER.
I DON'T WANT YOU AT MY WEDDING.
I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU IN THIS
ROOM ANYMORE.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
>> MAKE SURE YOU GET UNDER THE
CUSHIONS, TOO. I THINK HE
CONSUMMATED IT THERE.
>> I'D LIKE TO PAY FOR THE
CLEANING, IF I MAY.
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
IN MY OFFICE?
>> I REALIZED I LEFT BEHIND MY
THINGS, AND I ALSO WANTED TO
RETURN THIS TO YOU.
>> YOU COULD HAVE MAILED THEM
IN.
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO PUT YOU OUT
ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY HAVE.
>> YOU REALLY WANTED TO HELP ME?
YOU COULD HAVE FOUND ME ANOTHER
REPLACEMENT. I'M GETTING MARRIED
IN TWO WEEKS.
>> CONGRATULATIONS. I FEEL
REALLY TERRIBLE THE WAY THINGS
WORKED OUT.
>> JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BANG
THE RECEPTIONIST'S DESK ON THE
WAY OUT.
>> EXCUSE ME. YOU'RE NOT USING
ANY TOXIC CHEMICALS ON HER,
ARE YOU?
>> IF I'D KNOWN YOU WERE GONNA
LOOK LIKE SOFIA LOREN, I'D TAKEN
BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.
>> I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
>> LOOK, I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS
WRONG. I'M SORRY.
TITO WAS A STUPID IDEA.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME, DOLL?
>> I CAN NEVER BUY MEAT THERE
AGAIN. I'M NOT JUST A POSSESSION
YOU CAN GIVE AWAY TO THE TOWN
BUTCHER. I'M WORTH MORE THAN
THAT, MANNY.
>> I KNOW THAT, BABY.
YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
>> YES, SHE DOES.
I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY SEE THAT.
>> AND THE BEST IS WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA GET FROM NOW ON.
ANTHONY...
LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR YOU.
>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THESE ARE FOR YOU.
>> SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> WELL, MANNY...
IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
>> SHE'LL FORGET ME WITHIN A
MONTH AFTER I'M DEAD.
>> PEOPLE AREN'T LIKE FURNITURE.
THEY'RE NOT THAT EASY TO
REPLACE.
>> REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU?
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO IT?
YEAH, ARE YOU SURE?
ARE YOU SURE? OK. I'M GONNA GO
OVER THERE AND YOU COME OVER TO
ME AND SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, OK?
>> OK.
OK. READY? COME ON OVER.
>> I THINK WE HAVE AN EXPERT.
I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD.
NOW YOU KNOW, THE RING BEARER,
THAT'S A VERY IMPORTANT JOB.
>> OK.
>> YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
>> HELL YEAH.
>> HELL YEAH? ALL RIGHT!
SO LISTEN TO ME THEN, WHY DON'T
YOU PRACTICE A LITTLE BIT MORE?
>> OK.
>> OK. KISSY KISS.
THANK YOU. GO.
YOUR MOM REALLY SHOULD SEE HIM
WALKING DOWN THE AISLE.
>> OH, PLEASE DON'T START WITH
ME, CHRISTIAN. I'M HAVING A HARD
ENOUGH TIME AS IT IS.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET MARRIED,
BUT IF I DID, I WAS PRETTY SURE
THAT MY MOM WOULD STILL BE THERE
IF SHE WAS ALIVE.
>> SHE CALLED YOU AT LEAST?
>> YEAH. BUT MY DECISION IS
FINAL. SHE'S NOT INVITED.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GONNA NEED
HER WHEN I'M GONE.
>> MAYBE. BUT I DON'T NEED HER
NOW. SHE'S BEEN REPLACED.
>> OH, YEAH?
>> YES. YOU GUYS ARE MY FAMILY.
>> WELL HEY THERE, BUDDY.
YOU WANNA GET IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS? YOU DO?
ALL RIGHT.
>> OH, LITTLE WILBER SANDWICH,
HUH? LITTLE HUG. COME ON,
SQUEEZE IT IN.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
[INDISTINCT VOICES]
>> I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
>> HA HA HA!
>> KEEP SMOKING AND KEEP GOING.
>> CHRISTIAN, IF YOU'D HAVE PUT
THE MONEY YOU SCORED THIS WEED
WITH TOWARD THE BILL, WE'D
MADE THE PAYMENT.
>> WELL...ALL WE HEAR IS...
[COUGHING]
>> OH, MY GOD, WE'RE ON THE
CAMERA, GUYS. WE'LL ALL BE IN
THE DARK.
>> WHAT'S THIS?
>> I WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL
AND BE A PEDIATRICIAN ONCE...
>> FEELS LIKE I'M LOSING
EVERYONE.
>> BABY, BABY!
>> I WAS OUT OF FOCUS.
I'M SETTING IT ON THE RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
>> I PROMISE THAT YOU WON'T LOSE
ME.
>> CHRISTIAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT
OUT OF YOUR LIFE?
>> I KNOW THAT I CAN'T REPLACE
THEM. BUT THAT'S THE BEST I HAVE
TO OFFER.
>> IT'S A LOT.
>> AND A KICKING-ASS PRACTICE
WITH SEAN WHERE WE MAKE WOMEN
FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.
>> I WANT YOU.
>> AWW...
>> I WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE'S LIVES
BETTER. I WANT TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE.